watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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