When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
