My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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