party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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