Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
