He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
