what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
