Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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