If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
