the condom got lost in my hair
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
