Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
