I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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