turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
