This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
