Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
