Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
