i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
