I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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