I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
