Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
