I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
