Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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