I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
