I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
