You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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