I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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