My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
