Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't deserve a penis
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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