I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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