i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he shaved USA in his pubs
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
