Banned from zoo.
Again?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
