You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
did i just pee glitter
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
