and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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