I accidentally burped into my bong.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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