just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
