i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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