dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
