Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
