I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
