someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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