apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Randomize
