some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
