im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
