How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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