Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
