I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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