Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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