I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
