I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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