He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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