So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
