you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
