I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
